Ambition Without Self-Unkindness (What I’m Learning Right Now)

written by Kim Stokes, Mobster, Mum and Founder of Kindness For Success - Coaching & Consulting

Kim Stokes, Mobster, Mum and Founder of Kindness For Success - Coaching & Consulting

I nearly didn’t write this blog.

Not because I don’t have anything to say.

But because I’ve already shared quite openly last time about that ‘on paper it looks amazing’ moment, followed very quickly by feeling overwhelmed, stretched and not quite how I expected to feel (or in other words the ‘should’ crept in…

So part of me thought - have I already said this? Then when I though more about it I realised that that was just the first part of the story. The pausing, the being honest with how I was feeling and pulling back in a way that was right for me.

All still relevant HOWEVER, the next part was this…

The bit we don’t talk about when things are going well

When something good happens, a win, an opportunity, momentum building, there’s an unspoken expectation.

That you lean in. That you go all in. That you capitalise.

And yes, of course that makes sense.

But what I’ve noticed, in myself and in so many of the women I work with, is how quickly ambition can tip into self-abandonment or ‘self-unkindness’ as it were.

Not because we’re doing anything wrong, but because we’ve been taught that this is what success requires.

What I’m hearing again and again

As I’ve been gearing up for #24forKindness, I’ve been having conversations with some incredible women.

Women like Nicky Lowe, Zoe Blaskey, Gifty Enright, Nicky Denson-Elliott and others who are doing powerful, meaningful work.

Different backgrounds. Different paths.

But there’s been a thread running through so many of those conversations.

Not about doing more.

About being more intentional with how they show up.

About questioning the pace. About noticing where they override themselves. About redefining what success actually looks like.

I’ve found it reassuring AND confronting.

Because it’s very easy to think:

‘When I get there, it’ll feel different’

But what I’m seeing is it’s not about “getting there” – as ‘there’ just turns into something else, the next ambition, the next chapter. So instead what’s most important is how you show up alng the way and beyond. 

The subtle ways ambition turns on us

Ambition isn’t the problem.

It’s what sits underneath it.

For a lot of ambitious working mums, ambition is tangled up with:

Proving. Keeping up. Not wasting opportunities. Not letting people down.

Which means when something good happens, instead of enjoying it, we go straight into:

What next? What more? What should I be doing?

Sound familiar? (not to mention the old ‘I was just lucky’ or ‘it could have happened to someone else’.)

That’s not ambition driving you forward.

That’s pressure.

The cost of self-unkindness

Self-unkindness doesn’t announce itself. In fact the opposite, it looks productive.

It looks like momentum.

It looks like being “on it” and everyone saying “wow, you’re doing so well!” and that may well be the case though underneath, if we’re honest with ourselves, it often feels like:

Never quite catching up. Not being present in any one thing. A constant low-level tension.

And over time? (I mean sometimes as a mum running a business is there even such a thing as not working over time – under time?!)

That’s what leads to burnout. Not the big dramatic crash, The slow erosion. IN fact one of my guests on #24frokindness, Lynn Blades author of The Quiet Burn will be talking about just this.

A different way to think about ambition

This is the shift I’m sitting with right now.

What if ambition wasn’t about how much you can hold?

What if it was about how well you can lead yourself through it?

Because the women I’m speaking to, the ones doing incredible things, are not the ones doing everything. They are the ones making intentional choices.

About where they put their energy. What they say yes to. What they let go of.

And crucially, how they treat themselves in the process. They’re not trying to desparately chase the notion of ‘having it all’ but instead, defining and liviving THEIR all.

Self-kindness as a leadership behaviour

This is where it all comes back to self-kindness.

Not the Instagram version.

Not the bubble bath version.

The real version.

The one that shows up when:

• You’re overwhelmed but keep going anyway. 

• You’ve got competing priorities pulling you in different directions. 

• You feel the pull to do more, be more, prove more.

Self-kindness in those moments looks like:

• Pausing before reacting. 

• Questioning the “shoulds”. 

• Making decisions based on sustainability, not urgency.

This is what I’m practising right now.

Not perfectly.

But consciously.

Where this leaves me (and maybe you)

If I’m honest, I’m still figuring this out.

But I do know this.

I don’t want to build something that looks successful on the outside and feels unsustainable on the inside.

And I don’t think you do either.

So maybe the question isn’t:

“How do I do more with this?”

But:

“How do I stay in this without losing myself?”

 (in other words, being conscious of any unintended self-unkindness.

A place to start

If any of this resonates, you don’t need to rethink everything, you just need a nudge to start. 

You can begin by completing my Self-Kindness Matrix diagnostic (email me kim@kindnessforsuccess.co.uk and I’ll share it – yes, it’s free 😊 ) to understand how self-kindness is, or isn’t, showing up for you right now.

Because ambition isn’t the problem, but the way we’ve been taught to carry it? That might just be.

Kim Stokes - Founder - Kindness For Success - Coaching & Consulting

Instagram:@kindness.for.success | Linked In:kim-stokes

Creating kinder, more sustainable ways to work & live for Mind.
24 for Kindness livestream → 11th & 12th May 2026