How Motherhood Transformed Me: Finding Yourself Through Parenting, by salima saxton

salima saxton, a mum, Writer, actor, coach and co-founder @womenaremad

I knew exactly what kind of mother I was going to be. When I say” I knew”, I mean with die hard, stick-my-feet-in-concrete, IT WILL BE LIKE THIS certainty. I dreamt technicolour images of myself with offspring. I imagined vintage Laura Ashley prints, endlessly sunny days, and skipping through the daisies with my children, whispering “Mummy, I love you” before we all went very happily to bed, dressed in matching flannel pyjamas.

Oh wow, I had no idea.

And thank goodness I didn’t. If you’d have told me of the emotions, the hormones, the mess, the unpredictable and forever changing permutations of three children, I’d have emigrated solo to the Moon.

But this, motherhood, has been the making of me.

Yes, I mean it with all my heart when I tell my children that I love them to infinity and beyond. Having said that I’d never be caught dead getting a tattoo, I am going to initial their names on my wrist. They’ve turned all my ideas upside down. And thank God for that.

They’ve taught me never to make assumptions about someone else’s response. They’ve reminded me that you never really know someone else’s story, so keep concentrating on making yourself the heroine of your own tale. My eldest daughter reminded me of that just last night: “Get on with it, mum!”

Yes, nobody makes me laugh my head off as much as my kids, nor can I imagine loving anyone quite so damned fiercely, but the making of me? I mean that in these last sixteen years, my children have taught me so much about turning up as myself.

I spent many years as a people pleaser. I was the archetypical “good girl”, who couldn’t think of much worse than you not liking me. I’d been a hypervigilant kid, ever aware of shifts in the room temperature, how my father’s footsteps would change depending on his mood, and I suppose that constant tuning into other people’s needs, way before mine, become part of my DNA.

“What do you fancy doing?” A boyfriend might ask. “I really don’t mind.” I would always say, having learnt in childhood that being “nice” and agreeable meant there were no arguments. But, after years of doing this, checking in on everyone else, moulding myself to make sure I was affable, how on earth do you keep seeing who you are? How do you really know what makes you tick anymore?

Kids know. They know they are hungry or tired or bored or sad. You ask and they tell you. Even if it’s hard to hear. And then we move on. Nothing stays with you. We might cry or hug or fight, but then it’s over, and it’s a new day.

And the sky is still there, and the earth still turns. There is a book which I read to all my children which I know off by heart.

We can’t go over it.

We can’t go under it.

Oh no!

We’ve got to go through it!

Frankly, those words speak more to me than most self-help books. I see them as the ode to motherhood, no scrap that, it’s a motto for life.

hi Mobsters, I’m salima saxton, a mum, Writer, actor, coach and co-founder @womenaremad I am an accredited relational dynamics coach, with a particular interest in female entrepreneurs and small business founders, corporate leaders, and women navigating motherhood and midlife transitions. I also coach public speaking clients, and work with individuals for personal engagements, as well as delivering communication training within corporate leadership. 

 I’m always delighted to have a chat about coaching. Feel free to get in touch with any questions!

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